living something

In the lull of summer, I often catch myself wondering if I'm living enough of my life. I wonder if I will ever find the events that fill these days story-worthy someday. But then I remember that it's easier not to give a shit and live the way I want to. So here's what I've been up to.

I shared two houses with 18 other musicians, a dog, and a lack of air conditioning for two weeks in upstate New York. We played music all day. No, man, ALL day. No breaks. We watched documentaries about peace activists and Stravinsky. One night, a group of us sat on some old train tracks that faced the lake and contemplated the stars. The fireflies are different there.

"They remind me of camera flashes in a giant stadium."

"Makes you feel kind of special."

Somehow, I managed to get some cello students for the summer. This one girl, Katherine, blows my mind every time I see her. She's only going into 5th grade, but she plays, speaks and thinks years beyond her age. I'll stop and ask what's on her mind, and she once answered, "Well, what we're working on is a lot more challenging than what I've worked on before, but I feel like it's really good. It's what I needed." Kids are awesome.

Now, I'm sleeping in my friend's aunt's living room for an orchestra gig in Indy. Three rehearsals spread over six days means lots of chill time with fellow musicians, which means playing a Nepali singing bowl for hours, cruising to The Flaming Lips, and falling asleep mid-afternoon to banjo playing....Sounds like a story to me.

Hiya

Yeah, well...I feel like I was one of the most enthusiastic about this here blawg throughout its long-winded and tumultuous snap-decision-making conception, but now I don't post on here as often as I thought I would. Then again, my infrequent posts on here are at least a little more topical and thought-out than those on the other blog, Classic Brian (dot blogspot dot com ALLONEWORD). I guess my summer's been a little hectic between work and friends (sorry, Maggie, I am often that bad friend you mentioned who resorts to making up excuses for not hanging out with certain friends because I'm too embarrassed / boring to admit I'm with someone else). Hell, I only see my parents for about forty-five minutes a day anymore.

Over the last couple of days, I just kept thinking about all you guys and coming back to school at the end of August. I want to make money working here, I want to enjoy all my free time, I want to run in Washington Park, I want to eat my mom's cooking, I want to sit around on the couch and watch The Sopranos before bed...but I neeeed a buffalo chicken wrap from Atherton. And to hang out in someone's room with you guys, even if each of us silently scans Facebook or Tumblr or something.

And now for something completely different.

I received some very interesting news through the grapevine this week. I don't think I should disclose the details right now, but let's just say the Delts' are going to have one less nose fixated in their collective ass.

I don't really know what else I want to say. Oh yeah, I might see Daisy at a house show / party in St. Louis in a couple weeks, so that's awesome. I wish everyone else could be there.

Enough sappiness. I'll see if I can contribute something a little more thought-provoking this week.

B. CAV OUT

Chicago Gay Pride!!!

Hello blog buddies!! So I agree with Maggie...does anyone else read this damn blog? I mean I know Maggie, Brendan and I do but does anyone else? I think it's funny I didn't even know about the blog yet I'm one of the main contributors now...so get with it everyone else! haha.

SO...this past weekend was Gay Pride for numerous cities and can I say it was the best weekend for me in a long time! Kate, Jarron, and Leah all stayed at my house this weekend and we tore it up. haha. We bought so much alcohol and spent the night making crazy outfits and plans. We woke up Sunday morning and got hammered on the train to Chicago, packed 7 people into a tiny cab and let loose on Lakeview in Chicago. Haha

I made cop friends, drag friends, 3 lesbians made out with me, straddled a barricade next to a cop, grinded on a cop to Beyonce, got a TON of beads, a free shirt, my ass was grabbed a billion times, got told I have a nice package by like half the parade, Jarron was wondering around wasted, Leah bonged beer on one of those octupus bongs haha, I believe Jarron played flippy cup in broad daylight by cops, I was flashed, Kate got molested by like 20 lesbians and made out with half of them and all of this happened in a matter of 3 hours at the parade. haha I wish all of you were there to experience it and it's awesomeness.
All in all it was yet again another amazing Gay Pride. Hope you're all having a great summer. Keep posting please!!
Your Queen

semi-charmed kind of life. (baby, baby)

so, i figured since both bryce and brendan filled us in on their lives, i might as well do the same. although, i'm not really sure who even reads this blog anymore, so it may be pointless. but, most things in my life are pointless right now, so it blends in just fine.

i wish i had a lot to write, like about a bunch of great adventures that i am going on and hanging out with great friends all the time, but in reality, things aren't that great. here are just a few reasons why my life is in shambles right now:

• on monday i had to wake up at 7am to go to court in downtown Dayton. Let me tell you. This was terrifying. I was surrounded by a ton of pretty scary people. Like. People who have committed actual crimes. (stealing cars, hit and runs, DUI's, driving without licenses..) i was just like "i was in a car accident, i just want to get out of here." that's probably been the highlight of my week so far.
• my dad has been pretty sick lately, and he finally went to the doctors and got a colonoscopy and had a ton of blood work done. turns out he has Ulceritive Collitis. And the doctor was on the verge of hospitalizing him, that's how bad it was. It's really scary. When someone you love is basically falling apart before your eyes and there is nothing you can really do about it. my house feels kind of like a hospital. lots of new foods in the fridge, it's always pretty quiet, my dad is always in bed, and he is easily upset by things, which has a lot to do with all the drugs that he is on.
• since the accident, i have no car. which means there is no point in even job searching anymore, because if by some magical chance i was to actually get a job, i wouldn't even be able to transport myself to and from work. no car = no freedom (when you think about it) let's just say, i've gone on more bike rides than my body wants to. but i guess it's not all that bad, it could be worse.
• all of my friends suck. i swear. nobody wants to hang out with me. everyone is either a.) working, b.) summer school or, c.) on vacation. or they make up some lame excuse about something that they have to do instead. and from this, i've realized this summer what my favorite part of college is. it's all of you guys. it's so much easier to hang out with you guys whenever i want. but at home, i have to make such an effort to even see anyone. that's just not right.
• i haven't talked to matthew in about a week. i know, lame mushy boyfriend/girlfriend stuff, okay. but i really do miss him. lots. and it's hard not having him around to talk to about all these things that are really just crushing me.
• oh and today while sitting outside with my mother, and thinking about all of these things at the same time, a tree fell on my house.

everything isn't totally bad though! i promise. do not pity me for my sad lifestyle. some things are going really well actually!

• i learned to mow the lawn!
• i'm getting paid for yard work and house cleaning!
• i am doing so much art i could vomit!
• i'm staying in shape with ballet and bike rides!
• i hang out with some friends sometimes!
• i went to a record store the other day and bought 3 albums!
• my hair is growing out long!
• i get to see zach and bryce next week!

i guess what my motto for life is these days is

"as bad as things are, they could always be worse"

WHY DOES NO ONE POST ON THE BLOG ANYMORE!!!

Sadness...

NEW YORK LEGALIZES GAY MARRIAGE!!!

I just wanted to take this opportunity to let you all know the gravity of this historical moment. Tears are flowing from my eyes with joy as I sit on this couch and think of all the gays and lesbians that have fought for this right.

I thank you all from the bottom of my heart for being my loving friends, and accepting me for who I am inside and out. And loving Bryce for Bryce, not because I'm gay...that's just a bonus.

I love you all and thank you for your support and love of not only me, because if you love and support me...you love and support my whole community. You are all family to me.

Much love,
Your Queen

A Day in the Life of a Queen....well isn't so fabulous.

My froomie's recent blog gave me quite the inspiration to blog about my daily shenanigans and summer ongoings. First of I apologize for my lack of participation on the blog, I can't say that I've been busy just honestly lazy. Oh well let's get into it shall we...

My summer isn't very busy or eventful this year, sadly. I recently came back from a family vacation to New Orleans (my ancestoral home away from Africa). I HAD A BLAST!!! I tried so many foods (fried alligator is delish!), had a blast on Bourbon Street with my gay uncles, and spent uber late nights with my hip, and San Franciscian (I made that up) cousin. It was a great 5 days of thinking, partying, and family.

My daily routine is as follows:

8am - wake up, Kashi and oatmeal breakfast with a side of OJ
9am - 3 mile run, Zumba, Pilates, Yoga followed by a hot and steamy shower (can't wait Brendan)
12 or 1pm - Beach and or Internet for the next 3 hours with a poor pathetic lunch of grilled cheese or pizza.
3pm - continue my pointless job search (hate unemployment)
7pm - try and find my "too busy for Bryce" friends for some crazy hetero harassment shenanigans around my town with a side of Just Dance 2 at my house.
1am - bedtime

My summer is quite pathetic and not that of a Queen. Last summer was full of beach, work, friends, parties, and lots of money. My friends here have become so annoying and nonexistent, there's no jobs here resulting in my broke ass syndrome, and parties...yeah there is none. I MISS BUTLER!!! I miss the people, my friends, the drama, Atherton, drinking, and the occasional Arts & Crafts.

The only productive thing I've done is keep my health up. Although I've gone through a lot of self evaluating, thinking and changing in my life. I've regained some old friends back despite disapproval of my boyfriend and current friends, but I don't care because at the end of the day it's my life and I choose who I want in it. I've also had a rocky road with my current guy...idk if it's the distance thing or the fact that we're so different in my eyes. It's very saddening and stressful and I'm too young to be so stressed out over a guy. I'm a Queen and a Queen deserves a King, he may be temporary but he should be a King nonetheless. I'm battling whether singlehood is more fitted for me or should I just tough it out and see if it gets better. (We all remember those drunken nights of Bryce's lonely tears). I also haven't had Arts & Crafts in so long...and haven't had the desire to do it. Idk if it's because the people here suck or if I just don't care to do it anymore. Hmm we'll see.

On the brighter side of my thought processes I've planned a pretty fun rest of my summer. I'm currently going to Chicago Gay Pride this Sunday and a few friends from Butler, Richelle, and others are coming to enjoy this weekend with me. I'm going to Zach's sisters wedding in July to reunite with my partner-in-crime, my Amber! haha and also my love Maggie!! Also in July I'm spending a weekend at Cedar Point with Leah but right now that might change to a road trip to Virginia...we'll see.

I can't wait for August where I can see the people I love, meet some new, amazing people hopefully, make an amazing home with Brendan ;) hehe, and drink drink DRINK! haha.

Love you all so much and keep the Day in the life blogs coming!!! They keep me busy!

Much love bitches,
Your Queen

A Day In The Life

Well I told my dad that May was simply a transitional month between college and home life, and that I would start reading some books in June. And then I realized the other day that it actually is June right now and that the month is nearly over, and I've yet to finish a single book. Instead, I spend a lot of time balancing two jobs: One as a bag room employee at Illini Country Club, where I wash golf clubs (efficiently enough that I was christened "Clubs Magee" last summer) and ride golf carts. Sort of like Mario Sports for Wii. That's my job. On my days off I occasionally pull shifts for my friend's dad at his law office or doing chores around his house, sometimes doing so with my friend, which is fun. We give ourselves extended lunch periods. I'm selfish and I like some days of total relaxation and me time, so I find a way to deceptively award myself at least one or two whole days off, telling my bosses I'm just working at the other job on those particular days.

In my free time, I get up as early as I can, which is usually like 10:30 or 11:00 in the morning. I've given up showering immediately upon waking up, preferring instead to head straight downstairs and watch Nickelodeon (Spongebob, Ned's Declassified, etc.) or TCM (1960s-era cowboy films are so appropriate in the morning). Sometimes, like now, I simultaneously pull out the laptop, with which I surf Facebook, order materials online through interlibrary loan or complete overdue blog posts. Like last summer, essentially every single lunch I make myself comprises of lunch meat and cheese toasted on a bagel. It never gets old.

By the afternoon I usually get bored, so I'll call up a friend of mine and we'll either shop for records downtown (mostly searching for the cheapest Beatles LPs we can find) or just hang out in his Basement, with a capitol B. Hanging out in the Basement consists of listening to records, "discovering" new things about previously listened-to music, watching VHS tapes (Wee-Sing's Grandpa's Magical Toybox is trippy as hell. Jurassic Park is alternately hilarious and terrifying), shooting pool and scratching 98% of the time, and well, you can probably guess what else we sometimes do beforehand in order to ensure that any of the aforementioned things happen.

Nighttime is tough. I have two sets of friends, and I struggle deciding how to allocate my time between them. Last summer I failed miserably, choosing to devote most of my time to this fairly new set of friends who didn't need to drink and black out every single night in order to have fun, instead searching out and listening to new music, enjoying time spent outside and doing new things. But this year, my old high school friends are much more subdued, and they drink less often and more responsibly. Therefore, I've spent more time with them, as well as doing things with individual people on certain nights. So now I don't see the friends I saw all the time last summer as much, and they're starting to question me. It's weird, and hard to explain to them, but I try not to worry about scheduling friend-time and equally dividing my attention among them anymore. It's like work. In summers past, when I've overscheduled myself and worried about everything, I've found little happiness, mostly just feeling bad for the friends I avoid. Now I'm trying to go with the flow and enjoy myself without snubbing anyone. It's not like I'm lying to anyone. I think as the summer progresses, my friends will understand that more.

But then this whole time, I keep aching to spend time with you guys! I'm enjoying my time at home with my family, friends and turntable, but it's going to be so great to hang out with you all again. I close my eyes in my bedroom, hoping to hear Bob playing a new song on his guitar. Sometimes I think I wouldn't even be uncomfortable to find Bryce using my shower. In time, future roomie. In time. Can you believe I haven't had a McDonald's sweet tea since this night???:



Also, I want to come back to school so I can meet new people and play the field a bit, if possible. There are no girls to make connections with here at home and too many past feelings and blah blah, so I feel inspired to "get out there" and be more assertive and meet some cool girls. Yeah.

And then at the end of the night I come home and watch TV or a movie, making myself a snack to munch on during. Except I feel like these late-night snacks are proving to be my downfall, so now I'm trying to run every morning in order to keep myself in shape and retain that Perfect-10 figure I'm so proud of. But I smoke too much, and running can be tough, but I still masochistically enjoy it anyway. Mostly because I'm most nostalgic about my days on the cross country team in high school, running on lazy summer mornings in peace. So by trying to stay in shape, I'm also attempting to relive the "sun-scorched memories of my youth" (Cavanagh 1).

Wow! That's my life nowadays, in a nutshell. Damn, I hope it's not too boring to read about.

no cars go.

sometimes we need a huge wakeup call to remind us how fragile life is. I can’t even begin to comprehend how much worse this could have been. From this day forward, everyday will be appreciated more than the day before. I just wanted you all to know how important you are in my life, even if I don't tell you everyday, you all mean so much to me. I'm fine, just a couple bruises on my knees and some scratches from flying glass. But my head just isn't right. i never thought that i would need something as intense as a car accident to remind me of what is important.

((rip bomber.))

dear chicago.

So for the past week, I have been in the Chicago area visiting Matt. We mostly just hung out, nothing too exciting. But on mondays in the city, they have an event called Free Music Mondays at Millenium Park. And this past monday, Iron & Wine was playing. So, Matt and I were like, 'what the hell, let's just go and check it out.' So we did. And let me tell you: When there is a free concert with a good band anywhere (especially in a large city) people will flock. Like crazy. So we managed to get into the park, but there were so many people everywhere that it wasn't even fun. And you could hardly see or hear the music. So we just decided to leave.

After about another hour of just aimlessly walking around the city, we decided that it wasn't really worth it to be there any more, and we made the trek to find a taxi to the train station so we could go back to the suburbs. On our walk to Michigan Ave, we magically pass the lead singer and guitarist of the band Maps & Atlases. This just so happens to be one of Matt's favorite bands currently, and I have really been into them lately. This man is not hard to miss, he has long hair, a beard and really large glasses. I stare in awe as we approach him on the street, almost in shock. And then next to me I hear Matt say "ohmygoshyouaretheleadsingerofmaps&atlases! ohmygoshyouareamazing! ihaveyourrecordonvinyl!" All in one breath of course. And the guy, Dave, was just like 'uh, yeah man! thanks!" He probably thought we were total fools. But we chatted with him for a bit, Matt got his photo taken with him, and he even shook my hand! All of it was very exciting. And we ended up going back to Matt's house and listening to the album about 3 times in a row.

Matt looks like a total fool in this because he wouldn't stop talking. haha.

gifts versus flaws

I was in a cafeteria line with my Dad at the hospital yesterday. I mentioned that since Marvin (my car) will be coming to school next year I really could use a GPS. It has been a constant struggle of mine to convince myself of which way is the right way while on the road. I called my terrible sense of direction a flaw.

But I caught myself.

I then called it a gift to him. When I am in my car I am in one of my few safe havens. I love getting in my Marvin and just driving. I do my best thinking in the car, on the highway, with my favorite music blasting, windows down of course (no air conditioning). I immediately dive into my conscious and frolic around in whatever fields of thought come my way. This is where I choreograph a lot of my pieces for dance. Driving on the road has always been a relief unless the gas light is on.

I call my lack of directions a gift because well I actually don't care if I miss the turn. I have been absorbing my thoughts inside and out so yeah I tend to miss turns. What makes me laugh slash damn myself is my ability to convince myself that my logic is right when I make decisions on where to go. I can convince myself that the next exit is totally the way... I usually make the wrong choice. Taking my second guess actually fails me too.

Anyway I'd rather savor my time in the car then always be moving forward in the "right" direction. My Dad was definitely enlightened by my explanation. He then make it clear that I wanted something to enable my "laziness".

Sorry I'm Not Sorry.