Eighth Grade History: A Stoner's Perspective

A collaborative idea posed by Brendan & Bob

Okay, so, like, there's these guys in England or something who look at their posh lifestyles with their uppity accents and their lavish mansions and boring families, and they're like, "Fuck this material horseshit. I want to live." So they called up Sir Walter Raleigh to get a charter to start a settlement across the Atlantic Ocean in the New World, which was originally founded by, like, St. Brendan of Ireland, I'm pretty sure, and then Columbus stuck his dirty fucking paws in there and raped and pillaged and stuff because he was a huge fucking asshole-

But he wasn't the only one! Practically all of the goddamn Spaniards and Frenchmen decided to put in their two cents worth and found something.

Francisco Pizarro, like, made Moctezuma II trade him rooms filled with gold and silver and shit, and in exchange, he fucking chopped his head! But Pizarro's like, "No, that's not enough. Now I'm going to rub salt in your veritable wounds and give your entire nation diseases." So he did.

Then there's fucking, Cortes, man, who very well could have been a bigger asshole than John Smith and Christopher Columbus combined. He just marches right into Aztec territory and by pure fucking chance looks exactly like their god, Quezecoatl, so they applaud him and bow down while he's riding in on his dumb fucking horse, and they boost his goddamn self-confidence and arrogance through the goddamn roof. And does the same thing as old Pizarro and rapes and pillages and spreads smallpox and eradicates the entire fucking Aztec nation so he can take as much gold as he wants-

Which brings me to the biggest fucking joke of a conquistador ever, CORONADO, who- hahaha what a fucking idiot- scours the entire American southwest looking for the fabled seven cities of gold. He spends years and years searching and all he can find are the coolest Indians ever, but he doesn't care because none of them in the Southwest have any gold. Eventually he realizes they don't exist, and I don't know what he did after that, but I hope he fucking killed himself because he was a worthless piece of shit.

-So yeah, anyway, Columbus does his dirty deeds, but, like, Amerigo Vespucci made a map of the land eventually, so for some bullshit reason he got to name it America. In any case, Old Raleigh heads over there and sets up Roanoke or Jamestown, but it doesn't really matter which he set up because they both disappeared. Isn't that messed up? Like, every one of the settlers that settled there just up and vanished. They say they were probably murdered or taken captive by the local natives- with their fucking SUN HANDS- no, get this, they were Indians with, like, deep connections to land and nature and stuff, so they had the power of the Sun and all that, and they killed these settlers. It was a fucking travesty.

So the Brits call up John Smith, who was probably the biggest fucking self-interested douchebag of all time, and they went back and tried again. Only this time, some stuff happened and I don't really know if the settlement worked or not, but Old Goddamn Awesome John Smith hooked up with Pocahontas and decided he was going to bring her with him back home, but she didn't have a fucking choice! Because she wasn't only an Indian, but she was a woman, too! So they head back to England, and Pocahontas marries John Rolfe and succumbs to tuberculosis while John Smith ditches her and writes a bunch of phony testimonials about his dashing adventures in the barbarous wetlands of America and makes a shitload of money.

So then more people settle, and in come the goddamn Puritans and the fucking pilgrims, who make up probably the biggest bullshit story of our country ever. Fucking Thanksgiving's a joke, man. You honestly believe the Indians were like, "Oh let's help out these pilgrims because they ran out of food and don't know how to hunt and build houses and all that jazz," and that they came over and feasted with them peacefully for THREE DAYS STRAIGHT where they taught them how to make fucking POPCORN? That's just a...a facade, man. It's a goddamn lie.

So more people settle, and America is built up, and blah blah blah the colonial times and the goddamn Founding Fathers- this group of phony politicians who just sat around and smoked weed out of their stupid fucking pipes and took all this credit for founding the United States of America just because everyone else was just a bunch of pussies who were tired of paying taxes and stuff. Fucking Tea Party, man. Pass that bowl, would you?

Agh! so anyway, a bunch of shit happens and then we just fight wars forever and ever amen, because we're a bloodthirsty nation and if we're not fighting we're bored. So you've got, like, the Mexican War for Independence, the Civil War, WORLD WAR ONE, the War of the Worlds, WORLD WAR FUCKING TWO, because one is not enough (I could say the same for fucking Hollywood, but don't get me started on that piece of shit), the Korean War- which was no goddamn police action, I'll tell you that-the Vietnam War, the War on Poverty, the War on Drugs, numerous wars in the Persian Gulf and the Middle East, then the worst war-related travesty of all time, which resulted in death much more severe than physical death, the War of the Worlds REMAKE. Jesus, I need a cigarette.

So it's all really a bunch of bullshit, and you can't trust anything you learn in grade school because they sugarcoat the shit out of it, man. It sucks, man. It's really a goddamn shame.